My 1st love has started on 2018 Novemeber at the time of Diwali. Only one month of our love was good. The hell started from 2019 new year itself
On the day of new year midnight I’ve waited to tell him the new year wishes. That’s where all the he’ll started. We’ve wished each other new year and kept talking but all of a sudden he asked me to make it special that it’s the new year and want to feel special as it’s our first new year. I’ve asked what he want but he suddenly dropped the bomb that he want to see me nude. At first I thought it’s just a prank but he kept pressuring me into this and it eventually got into an argument. Then I’ve cried and switched off my phone because I couldn’t take it. And next morning he kept calling me and my bestie.

Eventually we talked and he apologised Then I forgave. After some days he started again. Like it has been going on for more than a month he keep pressurizing me and making it torturous for me. One time he hurt me so bad and didn’t talk for a day and he scrateched himself with knife with my starting letter ‘P’. He still has that mark. Even after this he didn’t stop. Again he started. At last his final shot is, he said we’ll play a game and whoever wins the opposite person has to do as they say. The thing is he is 8 years older than me and he played smartly that I was very naive at that time. Eventhough he won I didn’t accept it but kept pressuring me and he started the emotional blackmail of cutting himself again then I accepted it eventually as it’s effecting my mental health. I’ve cried for days because of him.

Our relationship has been like this only everytime we have a fight he always emotional blackmail me by saying I’ll cut myself or I’ll die by felling on the train track to get what he wants. He was so manipulative that he says they’ll be no other boy that will give more freedom than he does. He even said that I’m not beautiful but he is still willing to be with me. And I’ve believed everything he said
I’ve believed everything he said because I was naive and I was a insecure person too. My childhood was very tough I’ve gone through some harassment which I’m still unable to recover. So I have insecurity and anxiety. With him making me more insecure I’ve developed several issues like becoming an introvert, antisocial and depression. Imagine there are 2 girls sitting as the same bench as me for 4 years of my B.tech but we are not friends. People tried talking to me but I was scared of him that he might cause a scene later so I avoided even girls.

Whenever he comes to see me he checks all my chats. He knows I’m loyal and I don’t play with boys. With whomever boys I chat I’ll tell them in advance that I have a boyfriend because I’m scared of him. But still it wouldn’t enough for him. If the boys flirts with me in chats he doesn’t like it and wants to block them. I wouldn’t even say Flirting because I don’t give that much lineage to them. If they are being funny also it’ll be considered as Flirting to him. He pressurize me to block him. He pressurize me to block them but they are my classmates how would I face them the next day he wouldn’t understand and never had. Whatever he wants has to be done even if it’s hurting me. All I wanted is to have a person to love me and allow me to explore my freedom because my parents are strict and except for my college and school I don’tknow anything. But he has become more toxic and controlling than my parents. He even forced me study by waking up at 6am in the morning at the time of pandemic where there is no classes are going on.

I have insomnia he never tried to understood that I has anxiety he never tried to understood it. He always thinks I’m making a scene even if I try to explain him. At that time I also don’t know it was insomnia, anxiety, depression or something. I had a brother in my previous tuition who is very close to me. He is the one who explained it to me that this is this and that. Till then I don’t even know whats a physiological problems are. As u have insomnia I thought ki like i could sleep peacefully from now on as it’s pandemic holidays. But he didn’t even let me have my peace. That when I started loosing feelings for him. He didn’t even let me wear any western dresses even my parents let me wear that even they are strict. The more he controlled the more I lost my feelings

At the time of pandemic itself I’ve started to play pubg to divert my mind. So eventually I’ve made some friends on the game. My bf also knows them, we all together plays the game. They are funny and I eventually started started feeling a little better and started laughing after so long. One of them had a crush on me but still I’ve told him that I have a bf but still my boyfriend threatened him. And I even lost them and my hope to be happy. At that time I’ve finally told him that I lost the feelings for him. But he couldn’t take it and asked me for another chance.

Eventually I’ve again gave him a chance even though i have no feelings for him. At this time I’ve met my 12th friends and they’ve seen the situation I’m in. They don’t know anything but they know something is wrong with me because without sleep and depression my face is so worse and I’ve lost weight. They’ve become close than ever and I started laughing and becoming better. I had hope so I started hanging out with them. We are group of girls and boys. He started having doubts on me and thought I was hanging out with them because I was with one of them. The truth is I had feelings for one of my friend. Because he’s looking after me because I’m in a worst situation even without knowing anything. He didn’t even ask whats wrong but still took care of me. Also I’ve lost feelings for my bf but he is the one not letting go of me by blackmailing me and forcing my feelings for

him. He is part of our gang so just for him I can’t stop hanging out with gang who has made my life better. I don’t want to loose that last hope also. Because I’m having sucidal thoughts. So that is the only reason i was hanging out with them. Till now he didnt know I have feelings for him and i don’t even want to give him hope. Even though I have feelings for him he and he has for me, I never gave the impression even for a single time that I had feelings for him because loyalty is the atmost important thing even if i have to die. One day we had a big fight. He smashed his door and bleeding and v called me to show I’m responsible for this i was shit scared and disconnected the call and the next day he was near our house waiting for me to come out when I’m going to college. Imagine how much a girl would be scared if he has travelled from one state to another just on bike after a big fight. I was scared to even look at him and he took me to a park. I told him I want a break up. But he begged for a chance.

And you know what he did after that he wanted to have s**. Just now we got patched up after I told him I have no feelings then he wants this. I said I’m not interested but he was shouting me on a road like why don’t you want. Whats the reason and all. He couldn’t accept it. Even though I’m constantly telling that I’m not interested. He forced me go to a hotel with him. Atlast as I was scared of him I accepted. Even if i tell him that I’m in pain he only said I’ll finish fast

After enduring so much I finally has the courage to tell him i want break up on 14th Feb 2021. He didnt accept at first he even thought spread rumours about me that I’m with someone else that’s why I’m breaking up with him. All because my ex bestfriend betrayed me. She is an attention seeker. She told him lies that I’m with someone. The worst part is he is my relative and he even involved my parents and they also gone through hell because of him. That is something I couldn’t forgive. I can even forgive the things that he has done. But he even tortured my parents especially my mom calling her constantly and telling her I’m with someone else, also he’ll post the banner of him and me being together on the walls of our village and all. He was tracking me with true caller that when I’ll be active on call then he’ll call my mom right away and tell her I’m speaking with some boy. But what I’m actually doing is talking with my another bestfriend talking out my frustrations.

I’ve tried to tell him multiple times that he controlling me and the emotionaly black mails are the reason for breakup. I also reminded him that I’ve told you I lost feelings a 6 months ago also that he’s been forcing me for s**. He said so what even though you don’t want at first you’ve accepted it at last then it’s not forcing it seems. I’ve accepted it because I’ve feared of him and I know what he is capable of.

Even though he knows this he still
denied this. The frustrating part is he can do whatever but if i do quarter of what he’s doing then it’s wrong. I’ve told you right he didn’t like me talking with guys. He is talking with his ex for so many days. She is a married women who has issues in a marriage. So she started texting him. She even told him that she thinks of my ex bf when she and her husband is having s**. So i have to accept all of this he couldn’t accept me talking with guys even though they are just friends. He knows he is my first everything and also about my trauma

He is the first to know about my childhood traumas. Till 12th i was very scared of boys after that only I’ve started talking them. I don’t understand after knowing all of my traumas how can he think like I can betray him. I even though to be with him for ever enduring this pain atleast if i get a sense of peace even i wouldn’t be happy. But he didn’t even let me have it thats why i wanted breakup in 1st place. The worst part of all is in this process I’ve part of all is in this process I’ve lost my 2 childhood bestfriends of 20 years in the process. They are the sisters of my ex bf. He even told them I’ve broken up with him because I’m seeing another guy. They believed and stopped talking to me. Even thinking about it and when I see them at our village when I go for a visit. I never thought my 1st love would be this traumatic and leaves a big scar in my life.

Finally after a month of breakup he has started blackmailing me. The worst part is that, I’ve told you right that I’ve struggled to send My nudes to him in the beginning. That’s the same photos he’s using to blackmail me that he’ll post online if i don’t be with him. For 3 months it was torturous I’ve tried to kill myself. But my friends and especially one baby that has came randomly in my life has helped me to get through this tough phase of my life. Without them I wouldn’t even be alive. I’m really grateful for them for helping me get out of my tough times. At last their parents also got to know about it he again told them I was the one at fault. Everyone one was believed him only even my parents too without even listening to full story. But finally our families talked through and told both of us to not to contact each other. That’s when I started to live again peacefully even though I’m already beyond repair